Posted on by kashappell

2018 So Far: Welp…

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Hope lots of puppies kiss your face today, and stuff.

A little recap/ rant on how the past ~3 months have been going for me is in store in the following paragraphs, so buckle up! I have decided that if I am going to get to a place of healing, I need to be open and honest with what is going on in my life. Partially, because if I continue to pretend that nothing is wrong, it is easier for me to avoid changing my perspectives and habits. It is easier to go about my daily life without addressing my feelings or stresses. Yep, that sure is easier…for about 35.52 seconds, and then it all goes downhill.

Back story: December, finals week, 2017 = bad.

The whole Shappell crew met Spencer and me at HCMC acute psych at midnight because things were, mentally, *not going so great for me.

*not going so great for me: i.e. really severe suicidal thoughts.

Yep. I said it. I went there.

If you are currently either placing judgments upon me, or mentally planning on which family member to call to gossip about what I just typed, maybe this blog post is not for you. 🙂 

You know what acute psych did? Put me on a sleeping med and told me to exercise. I’m sure that this was coming from a place of concern and helpfulness, but when you avidly want to cease existing, the suggestion of taking a karate class to fix everything is not extremely tangible. And it is also mildly irritating. “Hi, I don’t want to get off the couch, ever, let me just participate in taekwondo classes. That’s reasonable…” “Yay, I’m healed! Better look at “karate studios near me” on Google, so I can continue to feel great!!!!!”

Not.

I did continue to pretend that I felt great, though. Until a week ago, Tuesday the 6th, when I admitted myself to inpatient psych at HCMC.

Was that an easy decision? No. Did I want to be on a locked unit where everyone mistook me for a nursing student instead of a patient, including the staff? Definitely not (although it did provide some comedic relief).

I am glad that I did it, though.

I am taking this semester off from school, and I am taking a leave from work, in order to participate in an outpatient mental health program 1-3 times a week, in addition to individual therapy. (I will still be active in my photography, though, so if you want to book a session… ;-)…)

I want to do this right. I want to fully participate in this programming, and I want to learn from it and be able to better myself as a result of it.

Mostly because I never want to get to the point, ever again, where I voluntarily agree to being locked on a unit in order to insure my own safety. Or where I have to put my life on hold to practice (and learn) self-care. If you know me, you know how much I love to take on new responsibilities and do all of the things that I can (or maybe that I even can’t) do. But my brain sometimes does things that I would rather it not do. Sometimes what I want to think and what my brain says are in conflict. Luckily, I think that we finally found a medication combination that works for me, after several years of struggling with severe depressions and–at times– very unstable moods and emotions. These medications seem to be helping a tremendous amount. But the reason I will be attending “day treatment”/outpatient mental health programming, is to try to change my habits and thinking processes. The medication helps to stabilize and solve some of my brain chemistry instabilities, but I still need to actively participate and continue to process my thoughts and actions in order to try to better myself (and to be happier, which is my main goal–and more motivated).

So, on this Valentine’s Day, I have a lot on my mind. But I also feel more self-aware, and my brain feels more ‘calm,’ than it has in a long time. This is a good feeling. Today I will, again, go to HCMC for a psychiatry follow-up. You know, to make sure that the medication levels in my blood aren’t going to kill me, or cause kidney failure, and all that. And to continue talking to people and being open, which is my new goal for 2018. In addition to exercising, and eating well, and not hiding my emotional turmoil! Easy peasy lemon squeezy…

Just kidding.

I don’t think that this will be easy, in the least, but I do think that it will be so, so worth it.

 

What I have learned from the past two weeks is that it is better to be open. And vulnerable. And to sometimes it is better to step back and say “I need a break,” or “something needs to change.” That’s where I am at. I don’t have all the answers, but I know how eternally grateful I am for those who have been constantly supporting me over the past weeks and months, but especially these past few weeks–when sometimes I just needed a laugh.

I am so grateful for my family, my close friends, Spencer, and my bosses at work, who have all been so extremely supportive of me. The support that I am receiving helps me to convince myself that I really do need to actively participate and try to manage my mental health symptoms and conditions, because I deserve that. And right now, that is exactly what I need.

 

If any of you are in the same spot that I’ve found myself in, in the past week or so, reach out. There are people who love you and want to help you reach a point of stability and happiness. Take their help. You do deserve it. Don’t be stubborn and ignore it. Speaking from experience, it doesn’t help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on by kashappell · 1 Comment

Let’s Talk About Mental Illness.

So, let’s talk about it…

This is something that is not only inwardly important to me, but something that my life is immersed in. It is also something that I have been wanting to voice my views on and experiences with for quite a while, but have never found an appropriate outlet to do so.

I work in a group home with people living with mental and physical disabilities.

I work and go to school with people who are living with disabilities, visible or not.

I have friends and family members whose lives are deeply affected by mental illness.

I suffer from mental illness, too.

It isn’t something that I talk about with people I don’t know, it isn’t something that I usually voluntarily share, and it isn’t something that I have completely come to terms with, yet. I probably never would have publicly gone further than some ironic tweets about my experiences with mental illness, if it hadn’t been for two conversations that I was included in on campus in the past week.

First…

“So are you, like, high functioning?”

What does that even mean?!

How does a person respond, in front of a group of strangers, when asked if one is high functioning? Especially when one barely even admits to having mental illness to begin with. 

That was the first thing that ran through my mind, after the panic (and silent expletives) subsided.

Second…

“Well, yeah, everyone has mental illness.”

What? Is this some sort of a joke? 

You, fellow human, are mistaken.

I’m no expert (give me a few years and a few college degrees and surely I’ll get there), but I can almost positively say that not everyone has mental illness. I can back this up by saying that I may perhaps have sat through a few psychology courses since starting school. Everyone goes through a hard time, at one point or another, but that is completely different than having diagnosed (or undiagnosed) mental illness.

So, why was I offended and shocked by being asked if I was “high functioning” by a near-complete stranger, you may ask?

It’s rude and insensitive. Even if I lived with a mental illness or a mental impairment that caused me to be less able to do certain typical things, why would it matter? Would that make me less of a human?

I’m tired. I’m tired of hearing people say that the weather is bipolar, that so-and-so is bipolar, that they feel bipolar today. This illness has rocked my world in the worst possible way. A year ago today, I can nearly guarantee you I was doing one of 2 things. Sleeping or sobbing. Why, you may ask? Because I spent the winter of my freshman year nearly unable to get out of bed. Why? Because my brain told me I couldn’t. Let that sink in for a minute. Sorry, family and friends. Freshman year wasn’t as great as you thought it was. Sure, I had a lot of fun and met great people. But on the flip side of that, I also lived with an underlying sense of extreme dread and devastation regarding literally every aspect of life.

High, you say? Please define it. How high do you mean? Are my manic highs high enough, or do I need to go higher than that? Is not sleeping for weeks and then crashing for months to make up for it your idea of high functioning? How high do we take this? Sure, if you asked me I would probably tell you that I could do anything. But it sure feels great to be able to do anything when you are used to being able to do nothing. This feeling is intoxicating. Papers are a breeze, art projects literally flow out of my fingertips, and I feel witty as heck. Now whether I actually sound witty is another thing. I probably don’t. I probably seem jittery and weird. Remember in high school when I went from sleeping in class to talking nonstop? Me, too. Which, by the way, is all a great thing to dwell on when the manic state ends and I’m left with nothing but emptiness and regret for everything that I’ve ever said. Ever. 

How post-traumatically stressed do I have to be for people to quit asking me why I stayed when things were so bad? They thought I was smarter than that, they thought I was stronger. Am I? Do I have to be stronger than that? They don’t know the details, but they cannot fathom why I would willingly stay in a situation I had no escape from. What a world, where being forced to stay is the victim’s fault. I guess I thought I was stronger than that, too. How many years of hypervigilance lay in front of me waiting to unfold, waiting to catch me off guard in the worst possible moments. How many more times will I have to fear being assaulted while doing laundry, while waiting for coffee? How many times will my mind freeze in nightmares at night that I can’t escape from, only to have my cat paw me awake? How many times? How many more times will I have to be the only one who believes me? I’m tired of hearing people say “they just look so normal” when looking at offenders. They are normal. Until they aren’t. Then your life comes crashing down, slowly but steadily. At least it’s consistent, right?

Do I blame the people who ask these questions? No. I’m just sick of being the one who has to answer them in the most abrupt of ways.

How am I supposed to come up with a coherent answer to a question like “so are you high functioning?” when I am being verbally slapped in the face by it?

It would be so much more simple to shape our society into one that instead asks “to what extent does your mental illness affect you?”

But will that happen?

I’m not sure. For starters, we need to be able to talk about it. I need to be able to share my story, not that this is nearly all of it, and you need to be able to share yours (not that you have to), without fearing shame or differential treatment.

Will I probably have to be on medication my whole life? Yep. Anti-psychotic medication, to be specific. And how does it make me feel to know that the same medication that stops me from making an utter mess of my life also makes me gain tremendous amounts of weight (15 pounds, to be specific), feel exhausted if taken in too high of a dose, and makes me susceptible to a myriad of other conditions and disorders? It makes me feel fearful. What a unique feeling to be medically inclined to feel better, only to realize that none of my clothes fit the same way, or that my speech slurs way more than it used to, or that I have a hard time staying awake during the day- things that all make me feel worse. What a Catch-22. To feel worse, or to feel way worse. I have chosen to the lesser of the two evils.

Having severe and unpredictable mental illness is like waking up fearing the worst, and then nothing bad happens. And then you expect the best and get hit by a ton of bricks. Or in my case, being hit by digs at my neurochemistry while simply trying to obtain a college degree. Or feeling like you have to hide your brain’s makeup in order to fit in. What a concept. When’s the last time that you needed to hide your RBC count in order to fit in? But yet my DNA and unbalanced neurotransmitters somehow make me feel so different. So separated from everyone else. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want to be coddled. I just want to be able to live with an illness that I didn’t choose, an illness that I don’t necessarily want, and not have to stress over whether or not to check the “disability” box on job applications because it prefaces bipolar disorder or PTSD.

I fear people not being able to look past that checked box.

I fear the face that people make when I say I suffer from mental illness.

It’s a frozen half-smile that slowly turns into a frown.

Almost every time. 

But guess what? My life is kick-ass. I am kicking ass. I made the Dean’s List this past semester. I photograph weddings. I read books and I started a blog. I have great friends, ones who are, like Jenna, sisters I can go to with anything. (Even with the crazy idea of coming clean about my mental illness on a blog (like it’s some sort of a crime)). I have cats, and I’m in love with the greatest human ever. And we got new pots and pans for Christmas. And know what? They are great. They are all great.

I have bipolar disorder. I have PTSD. I have anxiety and depression. Oh, hello? Yes, still here. Still kickin’ ass.

In a few pages,

Kayla

 

 

Posted on by kashappell

A Man Called Ove

A Man Called Ove is written by Fredrik Backman and was published originally in Swedish in 2014.

In this lighthearted and at times heartbreaking story, Ove mourns the passing of his wife Sonja, and as a result, the loss of himself. While struggling to get through his everyday life without Sonja, Ove makes his mind up to take his own life.

The only issue, according to Ove, is that people keep getting in his way.

This old curmudgeon gets a taste of his own medicine: tough love.

From neighbors to friend-turned-enemies, the people around Ove do their best to interfere. Ove grumpily fixes radiators, helps back up trailers, and eventually even ends up caring for the sassy neighborhood cat that nobody else will claim, all while mumbling and grunting his way through the day. He can’t seem to figure out why these ‘imbeciles’ can’t figure out simple aspects of daily life. Little does he know, these same ‘imbeciles’ adopted him as family when he was alone, and gave him more than a few reason to live.

Complete with flashback chapters that help piece together Ove’s difficult life, and the circumstances leading to his dark depression after losing Sonja, this story is captivating.

I laughed. I cried. I cried more. And then I sobbed.

 

My Reviews:

Plot: 9 out of 10 stars.

This story is written in pieces. Each chapter has its own topic, and they are generally very short. This makes the story slightly segmented, but allows for a quick and easy read. I enjoyed this style, as I felt that it helped me to focus on what was happening at the current moment in the plot line of the story and not become distracted by outside details.

Writing Quality: 9 out of 10 pencils. 

There were a few moments in this book where I became confused by the writing. This was generally when one or another of the characters was talking and it wasn’t made clear who the character was. That’s pretty much my only complaint about this book’s writing quality.

Backman is a phenomenal writer. His writing gives readers anticipation for the future, and elicits melancholia for the past. Although the story centers on an older man who has a lot of life experience, it is very easily relatable for people my age, Ove’s age, or anywhere in-between.

I felt excited to start a family when Ove’s early marriage was detailed, nervous for home-ownership when he built his own home by hand, and scared to lose the people I love when he lost Sonja. No matter the chapter, Backman places his readers into the equation.

Mascara Reapplication: 7.5 out of 1o bottles.

Yes, to clarify, this book did make me sob. If you read this without a dry eye, you may need to talk to someone about your feelings…

But the moments of sheer laughter and enjoyment written into this plot outweigh the sad moments, and in a way intensify them more. Not only do we see Ove as a grumpy old man who at one point dislikes nearly everyone, but as the chapters go by, we see Ove as a kinder person who just is unable to express his feelings in a ‘typical’ way.

For this reason, I gave the tear-jerker factor a 7.5 out of 10.

Laugh Level: 8 out of 10 snorts. 

Yep. I actually laughed out loud.

That does not happen often while I read. This book contains humor, that if you are a frequent use of sarcasm, you’ll especially enjoy.

Overall Reading Enjoyment: 10 out of 10 hearts. 

I love this book. It made me think, it made me feel, and it made me love the people around me even more strongly.

I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys a heartfelt story. This book hits all of the feels.

 

 

Image from Amazon.com

Available for $9.78 from Amazon for the paperback version. 

Posted on by kashappell

A girl. A guy. An apartment.

Little life blog post for ya. This one is not book-related, but what the heck. 

For those of you who haven’t heard the romantic freshman-year love story that played out over a year ago, here’s a little recap.

Character line-up: Super cute blonde guy in khaki shorts, Moderately okay looking curly hair girl with railroad pants, even curlier haired roommate.

Here’s how it all happened:

Setting: On-Campus Root Beer Kegger (Yes, you read that correctly). 

A super cute blonde guy in khaki shorts and a navy sweatshirt stands in the courtyard.

A moderately okay looking curly-haired girl in her striped (self-named) railroad pants and an oversized Hamline University t-shirt (the t-shirt was a school required wardrobe staple) enters the courtyard.  

Curly hair girl  (and her even curlier-haired roommate) approach super cute blonde guy.

Curly hair girl is already smitten.

They shake hands.

He comments on how soft her hands are (curly hair girl has lotioned her hands profusely, waiting for a moment like this).

Super cute blonde guy doesn’t let go.

Neither does she.

Yep. It doesn’t get more romantic than that. Shout out to HU for the Root Beer Kegger that started it all.

 

Fast forward a year and a half. 

You guessed it, that’s us!

And…

You guessed it, we got cats!

And they all lived happily ever after in an apartment with salmon pink bathroom tile and a perpetually overflowing toilet. 

But really, I couldn’t be happier. Or more grateful. For the amazing man that came into my life, for the opportunities we have been given, and for these damn cats. 

 

In a few pages,

Kayla

Posted on by kashappell

Books, books, books…

Hi, y’all! I’m Kayla, a coffee-loving cat mom and book lover from Minnesota.

With the exception of breaks for chocolate and coffee, I wish I could be planted in front of a good read all day long.

This blog will give me a space to review some of the most recent books I’ve read, and share my opinions about them. You know, the notorious book rants that not everyone wants to sit through–that sort of thing.

And probably life rants and updates… Who’s to say what could happen.

I’ll be giving all of the books I review a rating on 5 qualities:

-Plot (1 out of 10 stars)

-Writing Quality (1 out of 10 pencils)

-Mascara Reapplication (1 out of 10 bottles)

-Laugh Level (1 out of 10 snorts)

…and finally…

-Overall Reading Enjoyment (1 out of 10 hearts)

See you in a few pages,

Kayla